Whether you know it or not, you are born with demons in your closet. Essentially, I am saying you come into the world with baggage. Yes, ok I hear you. I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out.
I'm a white woman. A single, white woman. A small, single white woman. Even more-so, I am a short, attractive, single white woman. And I am a single Mother. When people see me, they see someone who is entitled because she is a white woman. Little do they know that being an attractive, single white woman with a child causes more problems for me than it does me any good. I can see you shaking your head and I understand why you may be, thinking "what the fuck does she know? She's admitting to being the ideal". But that's my problem. My demon I was born with. I grew up a cute little girl. Short, cute, strong willed. I grew up with a dysfunctional family who, by all means, each and every one of them needs to have their head examined for a sensitivity gene. Through all this, I have received judgmental treatment my entire life. From the people I loved the most. And this set in motion a turn of events where I would grow up and all others to treat me with judgmental tendencies.
I walk through store markets, malls, sit at my desk at work and I am bombarded by stares and looks from other women who are not as fortunate as I am to be blessed with the "ideal". I have never seen myself as such but this is what I have come to realize. This makes meeting people harder, keeping friends more difficult, and being a single mother just puts the topping on the cake. This I will address in another post, but for now, we'll stick with my own, personal demons.
I face them without reservation now that I am aware of them. I have to breathe through meeting some people because of their hostile attitude towards me (which tells me they have suffered). I've come to realize that the more sickly a person looks, the more they have suffered. So I try to understand their struggles while I go through my own. It is my wish that everyone is created equal... as our forefathers told us many centuries ago. And meeting someone is next to near impossible. Intimidation or not, I have heard hundreds of times that I am a one of a kind, sensible woman with strength, knowledge and beauty. Yet with all this, I am lost to find a mate. My last one exposed and exploited my innocence and trust at a very young age and took 13 years of my life. Important and pivotal years of my life where one finds themselves, who they want to be, become and do with their life. They find their life mate, make a home, have a family and settle down for the years their young grow and go through school. Once through those years, the children leave the home and you are left an empty Nester but at least you have your partner... in crime, as I'd like to call him.
For me, finding this partner is going to be a challenging task. Yes, I am attractive, outgoing and strong. And... I have a child. Not to mention the fact that I have now entered my thirties. The years where the aforementioned where you are hunkered down, raising your family in a simple town. Yet now I am thrown back into those years where finding someone would have been easier for me now becomes a difficult task to say the least. I didn't plan on becoming a single mother. I did everything "right". I dated a man for many years. I became engaged and stayed engaged for three years before turning to marriage. I was married for three years before buying a home and having a child. I thought I had done everything I was supposed to do to set my life in motion with my partner, in crime. And yet with all the right things I did, I did everything WRONG.
I missed the signals that would have told me the relationship was doomed from the beginning. I allowed things to be said and done to me that I should have known were wrong and did not protect myself. When I noticed I was fighting my own battles instead of having a champion in my corner as I was to him, I became aware that I was alone. Then when the child was born, I was overly optimistic that things would change as they almost certainly did the moment my son was born. There was promise, hope and ignorance. On my part. I should have known that tigers do not change their stripes. And the hope I had that things would change did not pan out to what I thought they would.
And so now I am here, to face my demons alone. I have my son, yes, who brings me great joy and laughter when there is sadness and tears but I cannot expect him to hold me up. I must hold myself up.
There is so much more to talk about when it comes to birthright demons. It's a long conversation that we all must acknowledge our own. I have identified mine and I know that my challenge is an up hill battle. With my biggest demon being my most recent quest; single parenthood. My child is no reason to NOT get to know me. My child is a reason to celebrate who I am and a blessing. I look forward to meeting the man who will love us together and my son as his own.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
ENOUGH ALREAY
Ok people, this has gone on for far too long. I don't give a shit how old you are, what your views on "turn a blind eye" or "it's not my problem" are, what I care about is that our children are dying; otherwise being Killed by kin. Children of their own age. Otherwise known as BULLIES.
Wake the fuck up, society! Another child has been removed from life support after sustaining fatal injuries from a bloody and senseless act against them from other children. These babies doe not deserve to die!!! What is the fuck is going on here? The campaign to fight against bullying is not working and it wont work until the adults around here start standing up and being parents.
Haven't you ever been familiar with the term "It takes a village"? This is a battle we need to fight and give our children the safe feeling we had growing up.
Now, I don't know about you, but I am getting a little sick and tired of hearing of bullies picking on the elderly, the disabled and even their own family members. I, myself, have had the pleasure of being bullied by those I would have otherwise known as loved ones. As each incident occurs, it becomes more clear to me that this is an illness being spread among our young. Parents being out of touch with their children, absent during their years of growing and of teaching them right from wrong. Why? Because, simply put, we are a society of a bunch of lazy, stupid, self-centered people who are only out for self pleasure. What is failed to be seen is that our children are our future. If you want to leave behind a world worthy of their lives and graces, get your heads out of your asses and start using your brain. Being a parent is difficult. It's even worse when you've got you against the world.
Wake the fuck up, society! Another child has been removed from life support after sustaining fatal injuries from a bloody and senseless act against them from other children. These babies doe not deserve to die!!! What is the fuck is going on here? The campaign to fight against bullying is not working and it wont work until the adults around here start standing up and being parents.
Haven't you ever been familiar with the term "It takes a village"? This is a battle we need to fight and give our children the safe feeling we had growing up.
Now, I don't know about you, but I am getting a little sick and tired of hearing of bullies picking on the elderly, the disabled and even their own family members. I, myself, have had the pleasure of being bullied by those I would have otherwise known as loved ones. As each incident occurs, it becomes more clear to me that this is an illness being spread among our young. Parents being out of touch with their children, absent during their years of growing and of teaching them right from wrong. Why? Because, simply put, we are a society of a bunch of lazy, stupid, self-centered people who are only out for self pleasure. What is failed to be seen is that our children are our future. If you want to leave behind a world worthy of their lives and graces, get your heads out of your asses and start using your brain. Being a parent is difficult. It's even worse when you've got you against the world.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Karma
We all love to believe in it. We all love to think that "what goes around comes around". The problem I have with Karma is that I am rarely around to see it make its way back to those who earn it. However, hearing about it instead of being that fly on the wall you WANT to be will have to do.
Some people say the "best revenge is being happy". Others say it's "looking good". I say it when you fucking "GET WHAT YOU DESERVE". And when getting what you deserve includes being dealt the same hand of cards you've thrown at others. So imagine my delight at hearing about "the bitch" I've known for my lifetime has been having a spot of trouble convincing people of her malicious propaganda?! Well, lets just say "shits and giggles" just doesn't cut it. I am absolutely delighted at the face that this two face, manipulative bitch is FINALLY getting the turn around treatment she deserves. I always found it difficult to believe that the people this woman spoke to seriously couldn't hear past her fake voice, see past her fake face and walk past her fake ass. But for years, this woman manages to float by on looks and, what seemed to be a keen ability to make anyone believe her advertisements about why she deserved your sympathy rather than your anger. This, for many years, pissed the hell outta me. Now? I find it funny that she's now in her 50's, still pulling the same stunts and thankfully, society in this area has somewhat become a little smarter (or perhaps they were burned by her and word just got around) and they do not seem to be falling for those same tricks any more.
How's that old saying go? "Trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition insanity"... I guess she thought the same old same old would continue to work for her. Go figure. I always suspected anyway!!
Some people say the "best revenge is being happy". Others say it's "looking good". I say it when you fucking "GET WHAT YOU DESERVE". And when getting what you deserve includes being dealt the same hand of cards you've thrown at others. So imagine my delight at hearing about "the bitch" I've known for my lifetime has been having a spot of trouble convincing people of her malicious propaganda?! Well, lets just say "shits and giggles" just doesn't cut it. I am absolutely delighted at the face that this two face, manipulative bitch is FINALLY getting the turn around treatment she deserves. I always found it difficult to believe that the people this woman spoke to seriously couldn't hear past her fake voice, see past her fake face and walk past her fake ass. But for years, this woman manages to float by on looks and, what seemed to be a keen ability to make anyone believe her advertisements about why she deserved your sympathy rather than your anger. This, for many years, pissed the hell outta me. Now? I find it funny that she's now in her 50's, still pulling the same stunts and thankfully, society in this area has somewhat become a little smarter (or perhaps they were burned by her and word just got around) and they do not seem to be falling for those same tricks any more.
How's that old saying go? "Trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition insanity"... I guess she thought the same old same old would continue to work for her. Go figure. I always suspected anyway!!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Get off the Fucking Phone!!
I know we have all been there. Standing in line, with a garb of materials to buy when the woman or man in front of you decides it is the perfect time to get on the phone with either their girl fiend, bitch, relative or boyfriend to either fight, make plans or just shoot the shit. Whatever the reason, this renders their one arm and hand completely useless and thus, holds up the entire line. I gotta say, this is one of THE most fucking annoying things I encounter more often than I would like. Seriously, drop the call and pick it up after you pay! It's that simple? People are in such a "me, myself and I" world that they honestly don't care if the person behind them is on their lunch break, maybe taking a break from visiting a loved on in the hospital or whatever the reason! It's just not fucking RIGHT to stand there, fiddle through your things, searching for your credit card when you should be OFF the PHONE and grabbing it to go.
I can't tell you what goes through my mind when I am behind these people. I think about what I am about to say, then stop myself from saying it because I look down and realize I have my name tag on. I so want to just smack them in the face and hit the phone to the ground and be like "lady, will you just shut the fuck up and pay for your stupid coffee!!?"
Which brings me to...
WORK.
When working with the public, you know you're going to encounter some very colorful people. But I REFUSE to help ANYONE that is on a cellphone, sitting or standing waiting for service. I don't want to be the one to "interrupt" their conversation. Then when I get asked why I took the customer that was AFTER that customer, I simply say "I did not want to interrupt the phone conversation they were having. It seemed importent enough for them to have to keep it going while waiting". And I am never told about it because you know what? I am FUCKING RIGHT!
I'm not going to cater to you because you render yourself handicapped for the time you are on the telephone. And frankly, I don't want to hear about your boyfriend/parents/girlfriend problems anyway. So just hang up the phone and be done with it until you are finished with the business you came to do. Be it WAWA, Starbucks, making a deposit (lord knows I HATE being behind one of those people in line!) or whatever the fuck you've set out to do. The phone can wait! I, on the other hand, have places to go, people to see and obligations to fulfill. I'm not about to cut them close to being late because of your addiction to the Cellphone. Radiate yourself when you get out to the car but spare us all behind you in line the time it takes for you to rummage through your huge mess of a bag when a second hand would come very much in handy.
Best,
Rachel
I can't tell you what goes through my mind when I am behind these people. I think about what I am about to say, then stop myself from saying it because I look down and realize I have my name tag on. I so want to just smack them in the face and hit the phone to the ground and be like "lady, will you just shut the fuck up and pay for your stupid coffee!!?"
Which brings me to...
WORK.
When working with the public, you know you're going to encounter some very colorful people. But I REFUSE to help ANYONE that is on a cellphone, sitting or standing waiting for service. I don't want to be the one to "interrupt" their conversation. Then when I get asked why I took the customer that was AFTER that customer, I simply say "I did not want to interrupt the phone conversation they were having. It seemed importent enough for them to have to keep it going while waiting". And I am never told about it because you know what? I am FUCKING RIGHT!
I'm not going to cater to you because you render yourself handicapped for the time you are on the telephone. And frankly, I don't want to hear about your boyfriend/parents/girlfriend problems anyway. So just hang up the phone and be done with it until you are finished with the business you came to do. Be it WAWA, Starbucks, making a deposit (lord knows I HATE being behind one of those people in line!) or whatever the fuck you've set out to do. The phone can wait! I, on the other hand, have places to go, people to see and obligations to fulfill. I'm not about to cut them close to being late because of your addiction to the Cellphone. Radiate yourself when you get out to the car but spare us all behind you in line the time it takes for you to rummage through your huge mess of a bag when a second hand would come very much in handy.
Best,
Rachel
Saturday, September 22, 2012
The Oak Tree
A mighty wind blew night and day. It stole the oak tree's leave away, then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark until the oack was tired and stark.
But still the oak tree held its ground while other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke, "How can you still be standing, Oak?"
The Oak Tree replied, "I know that you can break each branch of mine in two, carry every leaf away, shake my lims and make me sway. But I have roots stretched in the earth, growing stronger since my birth. You'll never touch them, for you see, they are the deepest part of me. Until today, I wasn't sure of just how much I could endure. But now I've found, with thanks to you, I'm stronger than I ever knew."
-----This poem is wonderful. It is encouraging and has a wealth of strength inside it. Try to remember that you're stronger than any problem you encounter or any disappointment life is going to bring you. Believe in yourself.----
--Rachel-
But still the oak tree held its ground while other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke, "How can you still be standing, Oak?"
The Oak Tree replied, "I know that you can break each branch of mine in two, carry every leaf away, shake my lims and make me sway. But I have roots stretched in the earth, growing stronger since my birth. You'll never touch them, for you see, they are the deepest part of me. Until today, I wasn't sure of just how much I could endure. But now I've found, with thanks to you, I'm stronger than I ever knew."
-----This poem is wonderful. It is encouraging and has a wealth of strength inside it. Try to remember that you're stronger than any problem you encounter or any disappointment life is going to bring you. Believe in yourself.----
--Rachel-
Friday, July 13, 2012
Because you'll never see me comin'
It's no secret that I am a little lady. Standing at exactly five foot even (five foot five inches if you give me some fantastic heals) and a mere 110 lbs, you can imagine just how intimidating I must look to the outside world. Ah but never underestimate the strength of the small one. She is fast. She is smart. And you never see her coming.
I'm sitting in a nice park, reading my fantastic Stargate series that I absolutely love, when a man comes by and demands I move because he wants to sit where I have ever so nicely parked myself. I look up and this dude, who is obviously a low life, egotistical jerk, and think to myself "seriously? are we really going to have to go there?"
Taking a deep breath, I respond "sir, I am enjoying myself just fine where I am at. I am sure you can find a place just as comforting as this one elsewhere". Ok, the nice approach. That's good, he'll be ok with that.
Nope.
"This is where I sit when I come here. I want to sit there. Get up."
Oh lord, I'm going to have to verbally assault him.
I stand up, being careful not to lose my page and set my book neatly on the ground. "Ok. This must be a very important space to you. Unfortunately, it is occupied at the moment. Why don't you go on your merry little way before this gets ugly and someone gets humiliated".
Of course he laughs at this little woman standing in front of 'his seat'. I failed to see him name anywhere located near where I was sitting. "lady, you are in my spot. Now get up!".
Alright. I see where this is going. He wants to play 'I'm a big man and can intimidate the little woman' game. Well, two can play it is just that I don't get easily intimidated. "Sir, you're name is not located anywhere on this site nor should it be. Does it make you feel like a big man, trying to intimidate women into submission? Let me educate you on something. The Revolution for Woman's independence ended long ago and we prevailed. WE have equal right, just not equal brains. Sadly, women are those with the capability of understanding a situation more than the opposite sex. If you are following me so far, you should be getting the hint that I am not leaving MY spot for a bully. Have you heard of the 'Anti-bully act' going about? Yeah, you're one of them. So let me grab my phone and snap a nice picture of you. Wait, what? You don't want me to? Why? Are you afraid that others with morals and respect for woman may actually find you offencive and just plain trashy? Ok, then, if I were you, I'd leave. And just to make my point a little further, I have a special set of skills that could render you completely immobile in one or two strikes. You never see me comin'."
Of course, that's not verbatim, but it was similar in nature. He stood there, mouth open, cigarette in his hand and shook his head. "you're gonna get yourself into a lot of trouble with that attitude of yours". I smiled at him as he sulked away.
"Sir, I do not believe it is I who will be in for a rude awakening. One day, you'll cross the wrong woman and she'll put you in your place much more than I just did. Have a great day!"
Always remember, kiddos. End your conversations, no matter how dreadful, with a salutation similar to "have a great day" "enjoy your weekend" "See you soon!". It's just so much better to see their spine come out of under their shirts because of the chills you just sent down their spine.
Best,
Rachel
I'm sitting in a nice park, reading my fantastic Stargate series that I absolutely love, when a man comes by and demands I move because he wants to sit where I have ever so nicely parked myself. I look up and this dude, who is obviously a low life, egotistical jerk, and think to myself "seriously? are we really going to have to go there?"
Taking a deep breath, I respond "sir, I am enjoying myself just fine where I am at. I am sure you can find a place just as comforting as this one elsewhere". Ok, the nice approach. That's good, he'll be ok with that.
Nope.
"This is where I sit when I come here. I want to sit there. Get up."
Oh lord, I'm going to have to verbally assault him.
I stand up, being careful not to lose my page and set my book neatly on the ground. "Ok. This must be a very important space to you. Unfortunately, it is occupied at the moment. Why don't you go on your merry little way before this gets ugly and someone gets humiliated".
Of course he laughs at this little woman standing in front of 'his seat'. I failed to see him name anywhere located near where I was sitting. "lady, you are in my spot. Now get up!".
Alright. I see where this is going. He wants to play 'I'm a big man and can intimidate the little woman' game. Well, two can play it is just that I don't get easily intimidated. "Sir, you're name is not located anywhere on this site nor should it be. Does it make you feel like a big man, trying to intimidate women into submission? Let me educate you on something. The Revolution for Woman's independence ended long ago and we prevailed. WE have equal right, just not equal brains. Sadly, women are those with the capability of understanding a situation more than the opposite sex. If you are following me so far, you should be getting the hint that I am not leaving MY spot for a bully. Have you heard of the 'Anti-bully act' going about? Yeah, you're one of them. So let me grab my phone and snap a nice picture of you. Wait, what? You don't want me to? Why? Are you afraid that others with morals and respect for woman may actually find you offencive and just plain trashy? Ok, then, if I were you, I'd leave. And just to make my point a little further, I have a special set of skills that could render you completely immobile in one or two strikes. You never see me comin'."
Of course, that's not verbatim, but it was similar in nature. He stood there, mouth open, cigarette in his hand and shook his head. "you're gonna get yourself into a lot of trouble with that attitude of yours". I smiled at him as he sulked away.
"Sir, I do not believe it is I who will be in for a rude awakening. One day, you'll cross the wrong woman and she'll put you in your place much more than I just did. Have a great day!"
Always remember, kiddos. End your conversations, no matter how dreadful, with a salutation similar to "have a great day" "enjoy your weekend" "See you soon!". It's just so much better to see their spine come out of under their shirts because of the chills you just sent down their spine.
Best,
Rachel
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