Whether you know it or not, you are born with demons in your closet. Essentially, I am saying you come into the world with baggage. Yes, ok I hear you. I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out.
I'm a white woman. A single, white woman. A small, single white woman. Even more-so, I am a short, attractive, single white woman. And I am a single Mother. When people see me, they see someone who is entitled because she is a white woman. Little do they know that being an attractive, single white woman with a child causes more problems for me than it does me any good. I can see you shaking your head and I understand why you may be, thinking "what the fuck does she know? She's admitting to being the ideal". But that's my problem. My demon I was born with. I grew up a cute little girl. Short, cute, strong willed. I grew up with a dysfunctional family who, by all means, each and every one of them needs to have their head examined for a sensitivity gene. Through all this, I have received judgmental treatment my entire life. From the people I loved the most. And this set in motion a turn of events where I would grow up and all others to treat me with judgmental tendencies.
I walk through store markets, malls, sit at my desk at work and I am bombarded by stares and looks from other women who are not as fortunate as I am to be blessed with the "ideal". I have never seen myself as such but this is what I have come to realize. This makes meeting people harder, keeping friends more difficult, and being a single mother just puts the topping on the cake. This I will address in another post, but for now, we'll stick with my own, personal demons.
I face them without reservation now that I am aware of them. I have to breathe through meeting some people because of their hostile attitude towards me (which tells me they have suffered). I've come to realize that the more sickly a person looks, the more they have suffered. So I try to understand their struggles while I go through my own. It is my wish that everyone is created equal... as our forefathers told us many centuries ago. And meeting someone is next to near impossible. Intimidation or not, I have heard hundreds of times that I am a one of a kind, sensible woman with strength, knowledge and beauty. Yet with all this, I am lost to find a mate. My last one exposed and exploited my innocence and trust at a very young age and took 13 years of my life. Important and pivotal years of my life where one finds themselves, who they want to be, become and do with their life. They find their life mate, make a home, have a family and settle down for the years their young grow and go through school. Once through those years, the children leave the home and you are left an empty Nester but at least you have your partner... in crime, as I'd like to call him.
For me, finding this partner is going to be a challenging task. Yes, I am attractive, outgoing and strong. And... I have a child. Not to mention the fact that I have now entered my thirties. The years where the aforementioned where you are hunkered down, raising your family in a simple town. Yet now I am thrown back into those years where finding someone would have been easier for me now becomes a difficult task to say the least. I didn't plan on becoming a single mother. I did everything "right". I dated a man for many years. I became engaged and stayed engaged for three years before turning to marriage. I was married for three years before buying a home and having a child. I thought I had done everything I was supposed to do to set my life in motion with my partner, in crime. And yet with all the right things I did, I did everything WRONG.
I missed the signals that would have told me the relationship was doomed from the beginning. I allowed things to be said and done to me that I should have known were wrong and did not protect myself. When I noticed I was fighting my own battles instead of having a champion in my corner as I was to him, I became aware that I was alone. Then when the child was born, I was overly optimistic that things would change as they almost certainly did the moment my son was born. There was promise, hope and ignorance. On my part. I should have known that tigers do not change their stripes. And the hope I had that things would change did not pan out to what I thought they would.
And so now I am here, to face my demons alone. I have my son, yes, who brings me great joy and laughter when there is sadness and tears but I cannot expect him to hold me up. I must hold myself up.
There is so much more to talk about when it comes to birthright demons. It's a long conversation that we all must acknowledge our own. I have identified mine and I know that my challenge is an up hill battle. With my biggest demon being my most recent quest; single parenthood. My child is no reason to NOT get to know me. My child is a reason to celebrate who I am and a blessing. I look forward to meeting the man who will love us together and my son as his own.