Friday, March 11, 2011

I'm the Bad Girl Now

I never thought I'd see the day where I became "the bad girl".  But all good things must come to an end.  I've lived my life with moral code, grace and poise that I forgot to look out for what's really important; my happiness.  Having been on the receiving end of terrible words, thoughtless actions and endless nights of loneliness it was high time I started exploring more options on what makes ME happy.  If not just for me but for my son.  When my happiness suffers, so does his and this I cannot have.  I have now been on a quest to find out what is right for me in every aspect from men to work to clothes and activities.  I never had a drink in my entire life and now since I have tasted that of which is what those call "tipsy", I wonder to myself "what the hell I was afraid of"? I was the good girl; I didn't drink. I was the good girl, I didn't party. I was the good girl; I didn't pull all-nighters.  I am finding these things to be quite interesting and fun when in the right company.  I've never dated more than one man.  The husband I have kept for years that I am now separated from has been my only knowledge of men and their existence.  Not that I don't love him dearly, people change and grow and in our case, we grew in different directions. Perhaps there will be a time where I will return to him when I feel that we are ready to regain our lives on another level, but for now I am interested in building ME.  Who is ME and what does ME like to do? What are my hobbies? Where do I like to travel?  Where do I want to be in ten years, five years or in one year?  I want to know the answers to these questions yet I am beginning to find out that the answers are harder to get than I have originally thought.  It is way more complicated and, sometimes, draining.  But I'm getting there. Slowly. Step by itty-bitty step.  And I imagine there will be more hurt in this process than in anything I have ever experienced in my life... 

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