I hate Halloween.

Yeah, you read right. I HATE Halloween. Always did. Even when I was a kid. Being a semi-nerd in school, it was hard trying to find someone to go trick-or-treating with. It was almost as stressful as being picked last in gym glass. Too bad there wasn't a GLEE class in my school years ago. I think I might have fit right in with misfits and cheerleaders!

As you get older and own a home, Halloween just becomes one big pain in the ass. I hate having the kids come to my door these days. The little ones are cute. I can handle them. They're adorable in their little costumes, pretending to be their favorite super hero or fairy princess. And, the responsible parents always make sure to take them out at a reasonable time (daylight!). Sometimes, I see the same kids a few times because their parents choose to take them around the same block more than once. That's what I do with my little one. I get that idea and it does make my night easier and my son doesn't mind.

What I can't stand are the teenagers. First, you have the boys who put absolutely NO effort into their costumes. "What are you?" I'd ask and they'd say "I'm a homeless dude" as they stand in front of me with a plaid shirt and ripped jeans... something they most likely wore to school yesterday. Then you have the girls who are all but 16 dressed as hookers. The one time a year the parents say "Ok sweetie, you can dress like a stripper and pretend you're some kind of Greek Goddess. You look so pretty!" And, of course, you have all the photos they post of themselves all slutty over facebook, myspace and any other picture up-loader available to get attention. It is the vanity that just throws me. It just says "Justify my looking like a 21 year old stripper by commenting on how hawt I look!" .... seriously?

And can I at least get a teenager to say "Trick-or-Treat" when you come to my door? I mean to just show up and smile at me like I owe you $100 is maddening! So this year, I have a plan. For the little ones, I will dress up and be fun and give them each two pieces of whatever candy they want. For each teenager who says "Trick-or-Treat" I am going to ask them for a Trick. What trick can you do to me? Catch a football in your mouth? Run and jump over car? Do ten jumping jacks? Shower my house with toilet paper. Whatever, but I can't wait to see the stunned looks on their faces when someone calls their bluff and finally asks for a Trick. Besides, anything you can do I can do better!