Who Died and Made You King of Anything?

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by
You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?
You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?
Let me hold your crown, babe.

Careless Whisper

I feel so unsure

As I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor

As the music dies, something in your eyes

Calls to mind a silver screen and all those sad goodbyes

I'm never gonna dance again

Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm

Though it's easy to pretend

I know you're not a fool

I should have known better than to cheat a friend

And waste the chance that I'd been given

So I'm never gonna dance again

The way I danced with you

Time can never mend

The careless whispers of a good friend

To the heart and mind

Ignorance is kind

And there's no comfort in the truth

Pain is all you'll find

I'm never gonna dance again

Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm

Though it's easy to pretend

I know you're not a fool

I should have known better than to cheat a friend

And waste the chance that I'd been given

So I'm never gonna dance again

The way I danced with you

Tonight the music seems so loud

I wish that we could lose the crowd

Maybe it's better this way

We'd hurt each other with the things we want to say

We could have been so good together

We could have lived this dance forever

But now who's gonna dance with me?

Please stay

I'm never gonna dance again

Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm

Though it's easy to pretend

I know you're not a fool

I should have known better than to cheat a friend

And waste the chance that I'd been given

So I'm never gonna dance again

The way I danced with you

Certain Uncertainties

In your mind, you've got it made up.  You are confident and ready.  You know where you want to go and you're headed there.  And then there's that one person that is a pain in the ass and can't make up their minds if they want to go with you or stay behind.  I am referring to changing your life.  Sometimes, you come to a crossroads where you are unsure and scared of which way you should take, even though your gut and your heart collectively are telling you to go one certain way.  You are firm with your two feet on the ground as a person, completely whole and self fulfilling and the other butthead can't seem to plant one foot next to the other.  It's like they're teetering back and forth and are scared of where their feet will land. 

Well, all I have to say is; JUST DO IT! For Gods sake, life throws you lots of curve balls, try and catch one for once! Pick your chin up and move toward where you know you belong.  Go left or go righ;t don't just stand in the middle.  I'm headed in my direction, you gonna follow me or just stand there and watch me walk away? Can you? WILL you?  You gotta love when someone you care about just can't seem to HEAR you when you're talking even though you know they do.  Everything makes total sense and fits yet fear of rejection and total annihilation grip you.  I fight for the things that I want and need in life. I fight for my son, my family.  I fight for myself and my rights.  I fight for my nephew who has Aspergher's Syndrome.  I fight for love and happiness. Where is your fight? What do you fight for?

Some things in life are uncertain, some are certain and some are certain uncertainties; meaning you know what you have to do yet you are afraid to do it because of doubt and fear.  Doubt will always present itself.  Its a devil of a feeling.  Yet when certainty outweighs the uncertainties then you have to take your life and leap of faith.  Your life is in your hands, no one else's.  Its up to you to make the moves you need to.  Was it hard for me to walk away from an 11 year relationship? Hell, you betcha.  But I also knew that my happiness was being compromised just because I was afraid of what was on the other side of the fence.  I can say that, while I still love my then husband, I can also say that my happiness has skyrocketed.  I am finally able to be ME without having to be WE at all times.  That's something a lot of people lose when they enter into a union.  Its my objective now to make sure the next relationship I am in, I preserve the ME while having a WE and a FAMILY. 

So with the certain uncertainties, don't always take the road easiest traveled.  Take the one that might get you in trouble yet proposes a much higher probability of happiness.

Oh, and Good Luck.

Shut Up and Listen

Ever been in that political conversation with someone where you just don't see eye to eye? Well, this is my daily life.  I don't mean to disrespect people, in fact, I think I am the most respectful one within the discussion.  However, when you're talking to someone who thinks that their views are the right and only views available, it's like talking to a brick wall.  Same with religion.  See, with me, there is no right or wrong religion. If you believe it with your heart and soul, then what is to say that it isn't correct?  I was raised Catholic and have the core fundamental Catholic beliefs (thought I hate how it is operated from the high levels of the Church) and that doesn't mean my Jewish friend and her beliefs are any less valid than mine.  I am annoyed when I try to talk to people about these subjects and they're so perfect that anything I say is discounted as being "brainwashed" or "not as you were taught".  Well, what does that mean, exactly? Is Religion taught or found?  I believe religion is more found than it is taught.  If you teach a child that you MUST have the same thought process as your own, be-it politics or religion (or anything, for that matter), you take away their RIGHT to make honest, educated and personal viewpoints of their own. 

For those who just can't let someone get a word in on their point of view, I urge you to SHUT THE HELL UP and LISTEN.  Just once. You might learn something.  Hear something that makes a little more sense then what you've been taught!  See, my Grandmother was a Methodist who later converted to Catholicism.  This was a choice she made based on what she had learned on her own and found that the Catholic Church had more similar view points to her own moral and convictions then her current one.  Should she have been flanked for her change of heart? NO! In fact, because of her courage, it was then as a child, I wanted to learn more about other religions to better educate myself on what other people believe.

I have an Uncle who is impossible to talk to when it comes to religion.  He is all mighty, there is nothing you can say or do that will make him respect you; EVEN IF you are agreeing with him!  He's the type that talks and talks and talks about the bible because he can recite it but ask him a genuine question about it and it's all hell breaks loose.  I can never have a regular conversation with him because some how, he works God into the equation.  Not every conversation you have must have God in it! I understand, and even emencly respect people who are devoted to their Religion, as I am quite religious myself, yet I do NOT PUSH my ideas or views on others. I can have a conversation about it and not be judgemental or hateful towards someone with a different viewpoint than myself.  Same for politics.  Raised in a Republican house hold, you can imagine my parents defeat when their little girl changed her political affiliation from conservative to liberal and voted for Obama in the last Presidential Election.  This mortifies them and sometimes causes a few spats every now and then, but I never go after their Republican roots or their believes (even though I can strongly disagree with some of it) because I respect their ability to choose their beliefs, just as I do mine.

So when you find yourself caught in a situation where you can't get a word in because Mr or Mrs Know-it-All wont shut the hell up, just walk away.  Let them know that if you can't say how you feel, they're better off talking to themselves because it has become a one-way conversation.

The End!!

Rachel

Don't drive like an idiot...

...and then act surprised when you cause an accident!

I recently visited my family up north in Philadelphia.  They're on the I95 Stretch, which is a scary beast in and of itself.  On the way home from a day in the city, my friend, who had taken me out on the town for the day, was driving me back to the place I was staying when we saw this little death mobile in red zipping through and around cars like it was nobodies business.  We both looked at each other and agreed on what a turd the driver was being.  As he kept driving, I kept my eyes on the red car, who got more and more bold as they drove.  Then I saw it. A triple lane change between heavy traffic and my friend said "oh geeze, that was a horrible accident".  Now, I didn't see the accident, but I know that the asshole driving the red car cause it.  My friend dialed 911 as we passed three cars on the side of the road, under a bridge.  Two cars were totally smashed, as if they had been trying to avoid something, and slammed into the bridge while the third car, the little red death trap was fine but pulled over.  I saw this tall, lanky punk get out of the car and put his arms up in anger as if to say "did you see me coming?"

I'm sorry dude, if that was me, you wouldn't even have time to put your hands up; your face would be eating cement that fast.  People drive like fuckin' nuts and they don't expect trouble?  I just hope hope that asshole gets what is coming to him.  He went across three lanes, forces two cars to swerve to avoid him any THEY ended up colliding because of his stupid antics.  Why do some people feel the need to drive like idiots?  I was telling my friend before the crash "well, lets give him the benefit of the doubt.... he better he going to the hospital or something for his mama" but when he started to drive like a moron, then it became apparent he was showing off for the bitchette in his car.  How embarrassed she must have been. I know I would have been and I certainly would never get into a car with that guy again.

Wait your turn, Bitch!

Picture this. Your town. A local department store.  Ten registers in a row and only two of them are operated by a sales person. Both lines have two people in it.  For whatever reasons that we wont get into (because that's another Bitchin' post), the sales assistants are taking their good ol' time ringing up their customers that you begin to feel flushed in the face.  Its asinine to the point where you just want to scream "What the Fuck is so hard with scanning a stupid outfit?!" Anyway, you stand patiently, as does the woman in the other line.  Both of you have been waiting for quite a while when another shopper hops into the line behind you.  It's now looking like the registers are going to need a little help.  Eventually, someone else makes it to an isle and calls out to help someone.  And doesn't it fucking kick your ass when the person who has been waiting the SHORTEST just goes right over with their big cart of bullshit and starts unloading it while you and the other person, who, as I said, have been waiting for eons, look at each other as if you've just been fucked.  First; Where the hell is common sense and courtesy in this other person? I mean really? REALLY? You think your that big of the shit that you can just mosey on over you way and get in front of everyone who had been waiting before you. Second: Why the hell doesn't the register attendant SAY SOMETHING? Isn't their job to "take the next person in line, please"?  Then, I would also say it would be their job to tell the ignorant assholes that they have to wait their fucking turn and the next person in line is who should have to spot.

This is what happened to your dear old Rachel this afternoon while picking up some running clothes of good ol' Khol's. And you know me.  I don't likely keep my mouth shut.  So of course, I walk my butt over there and plant my stuff down right on top of hers.  "Excuse me!" she says "But what do you think you're doing?"
I look at her and I say "I'm buying my stuff so I can get the hell outta here".  She says " I was here first, wait your turn".  This, as you can imagine, sent Rachel off on a little irate tangent...

"wait MY turn?" I said, picking up her clothes and shoving them into her arms. "Myself and that other young lady have been waiting for these old buzzards to finish up their customers for over 15 minuets and you have the nerve to tell ME to wait MY turn? Oh lady, please, don't do this to me today. I am not going to be much nicer to you."

She was taken aback that I shoved the clothes in her face AND I could see the other woman STILL WAITING in line, snickering as I gently pushed my butt through. "And YOU" I said to the cashier "you have a duty to make sure that this type of thing doesn't happen. It makes people angry. People like me. So ring me out so I can get the heck outta here". 

No words were exchanged after that and I left with my clothes. 

Seriously. 

Rachel.

WINNING!

I know this has been all over the Internet but this stuff with Charlie Sheen has me really going!!  At one end, I feel terrible that such a beautiful human being (not to mention talented) is wasted away.  At the other end is absolute victory for us as we watch him go from worse to even further down the pit.  Songify This' channel on YouTube has done it again with one hellova spectacular music video from blunder to blunder! And it just wouldn't be right NOT to share it here with you, my lovelies.  Because why can't we smile every once and a while after you've been bitched at, cursed at and cut off all day long?  ENJOY!

Alone

I hear the tickin' of the clock

I'm lying here the room's pitch dark

I wonder where you are tonight

No answer on the telephone

And the night goes by so very slow

I hope that it won't end though

Alone

Till now I always got by on my own

I never really cared until I met you

And now it chills me to the bone

How do I get you alone?

How do I get you alone?

You don't know how long I have wanted

To touch your lips and hold you tight,

You don't know how long I have waited

And I was going to tell you tonight

But the secret is still my own

And my love for you is still unknown

Alone

Till now I always got by on my own

I never really cared until I met you

And now it chills me to the bone

How do I get you alone?

How do I get you alone?

How do I get you alone?

How do I get you alone?

Alone, alone

I'm the Bad Girl Now

I never thought I'd see the day where I became "the bad girl".  But all good things must come to an end.  I've lived my life with moral code, grace and poise that I forgot to look out for what's really important; my happiness.  Having been on the receiving end of terrible words, thoughtless actions and endless nights of loneliness it was high time I started exploring more options on what makes ME happy.  If not just for me but for my son.  When my happiness suffers, so does his and this I cannot have.  I have now been on a quest to find out what is right for me in every aspect from men to work to clothes and activities.  I never had a drink in my entire life and now since I have tasted that of which is what those call "tipsy", I wonder to myself "what the hell I was afraid of"? I was the good girl; I didn't drink. I was the good girl, I didn't party. I was the good girl; I didn't pull all-nighters.  I am finding these things to be quite interesting and fun when in the right company.  I've never dated more than one man.  The husband I have kept for years that I am now separated from has been my only knowledge of men and their existence.  Not that I don't love him dearly, people change and grow and in our case, we grew in different directions. Perhaps there will be a time where I will return to him when I feel that we are ready to regain our lives on another level, but for now I am interested in building ME.  Who is ME and what does ME like to do? What are my hobbies? Where do I like to travel?  Where do I want to be in ten years, five years or in one year?  I want to know the answers to these questions yet I am beginning to find out that the answers are harder to get than I have originally thought.  It is way more complicated and, sometimes, draining.  But I'm getting there. Slowly. Step by itty-bitty step.  And I imagine there will be more hurt in this process than in anything I have ever experienced in my life... 

In the Summer of 2010...there was....

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life


Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life


And if you go, I wanna go with you
And if you die, I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away


The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life


Such a lonely day
And it's mine....

It's a day that I'm glad I survived

4 Ways to tell if someone is not being honest with you

I am not a big fan of people who are one person to someone and another person to me.  What happened to "just be yourself"? And unfortunately, I am "blessed" with the ability to spot a fake personality from a mile away.  It's gotta be something in my research behind micro-expressions and body language, but 99.999% of the time when I say "there is something not right about that guy" I am right.  Among my childhood, I grew up around people who would say one thing, do another and spite the rest.  This was grooming me to understand that even those closest to you can be as deceiving as the next.  Here are some things to look for in a person when you get that gut feeling that "something just isn't right". 

• Tone of voice.  This may vary but most of the time, the pitch will go up an octave when you're being lied to.  This is the subjects way of trying to control themselves in the lie they are telling, hoping to convince you, and even themselves, that the lie is true. 
• Eye contact.  Contrary to popular belief; when a lie is being told, the liar tends to look you right in the eyes so to make you THINK they're telling you the truth.  But watch their eyes.  Do they wander?  What about the pupils? Are the dilated?  How about excessive blinking!?
• Body Language.  Crossing the arms, hugging themselves, hiding behind an object; these are all signs the person is holding something between you and them.  Touching the face, playing with their hair, breathing. 
• Trust your gut.  Your gut knows when someone isn't being truthful.  As my Grandmother would say "if it doesn't make sense, there is a reason for it and it's most likely because they're lying to you". 

I knew for a very long time that a person very close to me was lying to me.  Yet I was blinded by the fact that I had grown up with this person, trusting and loving them and, consequently extending them the benefit of the doubt continuously- no matter what- against my better judgement.  This is what I am changing in myself.  I have sense closed the door on that aspect of my life, loosing people that didn't need to be lost but were "casualties of war" now.  And since closing that door, more have opened for me!  I have found family I didn't know were around and true friendship, love and trust that is more rewarding than false love, lies and betrayal.  I have an incredible family now that consists of two nephews, two nieces, a brother AND a sister that are awesome people. They life me up, understand my pain and have been instrumental in my believing in trust and family again.  So to them, I am most thankful.  I guess I am thankful for the past family as well, for showing me what wasn't right for me and pushing me where I belonged.  It wasn't with them, that's for sure.  And in leaving them, I have found my place.

So when that little voice in your head is telling you someone is not being honest, tread carefully.  There could be more than meets the eye staring you in the face.

Let the Children Stand Up for what's RIGHT!!

This is amazing. I was moved to tears. Two schools, one song and one message; STOP BULLYING! It's not cool anymore and the children are now speaking out. THEY will be the ones who will put a stop to it, once and for all!  The parents, teachers and all those involved with these kids should be so proud.. but among all; these kids should be proud of themselves. Their message is loud and clear! WE HEARD YOU and we're listening!!!

LOVE,
RACHEL

"I'm not taking sides, but he is right"

A contradiction in it's own right, but I found this funny.

Female Drivers

Nuff' Said.

Side by Side

I'm driving home late from work the other night on one of the routes closest and fastest to get me to my point of destination... I am quite content listening to my Michael Jackson (r.i.p), having made a great presentation to my boss's about the great need for social Media to be used in our Marketing Campaign when I come up to one of my biggest peeves on the road I have. EVER.  And no, it's not the stupid people who leave their gas tanks open after having visited the gas stations... its those people who drive side by side at the same exact speed and end up causing deadlock behind them.  Nobody can go anywhere because neither party wants to go any faster (or slower) than the other party.  Now, in my little world, the left lane is for PASSING.  So FUCKING PASS GOD DAMNIT! Instead, I get stuck behind Manny and Mac and they seemingly have no idea one is next to the other.

I just can't understand why people do this. It's like they have NO IDEA the other cars on the road even exist!! I can't stand it when someone stays next to me longer than  .5 seconds, how can you seriously drive next to someone for the duration of the highway??  This forces all the other cars on the road to drive side by side on both the left and the right lanes. It drives me BATTY!! Up a fuckin' wall. 

So I end up following behind these two cars, later at night, for at least ten miles before the guy next to ME Starts blowing his horn.  Now he's getting pissed and road rage is about to unfold. I start to hang back; I'm gonna watch.  As I hang back, the guy that WAS next to me takes my spot in the left lane and starts tailgating the Mofo like a bad lover.  He's blowing on his horn yet the driver STILL insists on driving side by side with the other car. Like they're in a slower version of the Daytona 500!!!  FINALLY though, eventually the driver in the left lane gets the message and its OFF TO THE RACES with the left lane with everybody and their mother with their fingers out their windows and horns blazing at both of them.

Wow, what a ride home from work THAT was.

Slinkies.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I'm gonna write a fuckin' book...

I have always kept a journal. Since the age of 13, I have written before bed about my days. Be-it my school days, my friends, my troubles with my parents that every normal teenager has, to being lied to by a selfish and jealous Aunt, to becoming a blacksheep among blacksheeps and targeted for annihilation many years before I could see it with my own eyes; my journals spell out my life in such a way that sometimes I feel like smacking myself in the face. "You stupid idiot! Why didn't you see this coming?" "What's the matter with you!? They DON'T love you." "Hey Rachel, forget trying to get people to like you. Be YOURSELF and BE HAPPY". 

Collectively, I have over 100 books, all unique in their own way.  Different styles, different pictures, same person. As I was going through them the other night, I was reminded of the horrors that I faced as a child at the hands of my extended family who, as I thought, were the only family I needed beyond my immediate family.  This got me thinking. There has GOT to be other people out there who feel as I do. Betrayed and lied to their entire life.  Trust was just given, never earned.  As I read through some of my earlier journals, I could see the course my life has taken being mapped out right in front of my eyes. I read deeply into the night from the 1990's until today, every puzzle piece fell directly into place, just like a well written book.  You never see the "end" result coming but when it does, it makes perfect sense.  I say "end" because over the past summer, my life as I knew it came to an end and I began a new life... a happier life.  And through my journals, I saw my life as a calculated effort by people around me to manipulate and hurt each other for no other means but to become a powerful "leader".

So I have decided, I am going to write a book.  I will not release the title yet as I don't want my story or idea to be stolen from me. Yet with all these journals behind me, they can tell my story with truth from the eyes and heart of the suffered one.  They are the perfect reference to write my story. To tell it so that others can know they're not alone in their fight for acceptance among people who are selfish, hurtful and manipulative.  It gives me hope to draw up my story to share, based on actual events and truthful accounts from ones own thoughts. From the moment I picked up the pen at age 13, I have been telling my story.  Now it is time to share it with the world. Because I think I owe it to myself, and to others, to set the record straight.

Top Ten Things I Hate About YOU

• 10) Your voice.  It's fake. Trying being authentic sometimes.

•  9) You're obnoxious. Just like in your voice, your body language and the way you talk to people is flat out rude and demeaning. Trying being humble every now and then. Beauty is only skin deep.

• 8) You have double standards.  You can get away with being a total cunt to whoever you want but when someone dished it back, you go running/crying to people and turn on the hold you have over people who are stupid enough to not see your evil.  You can't simply believe that you're entitled to do whatever the fuck you want to anyone and not expect them to give it back to you, can you?

• 7) You judge people on things you have no right judging them on. Say, like being a parent when you don't even HAVE kids? WTF give you the right to judge ANYONE's parenting skills when you have no idea what being a parent even MEANS?

• 6) You have no sense of self.  You do as the sheeple do.  Instead of being a leader, you part of the pack and do whatever it takes to keep you part of it. So if that means lying about someone, making up malicious reasons to be rude, mean and a total bitch to keep you in the group, you will do it.

• 5) You have no standards of what it means to be a good person.  Instead of standing up and saying "you know what, this has gone too far, enough is enough" you delight in kicking someone the most when they're down.

• 4) You're fake.  You pretend to be someones friend or loving family member all the while secretly holding behind the scenes horrific conversations about a person that has no grounds for what is being said. Giving the person no opportunity to stand up for themselves or tell you where you're wrong.

• 3) You think you're always right. Even though you're stupid and young, you still think you know it all and that makes everything you know the right thing.  I've got news for you; you're about to learn some REALLY HARD lessons in the next 10 years and I hope that you get hurt so that you learn and feel the way you are unable to now.

• 2) You're a cunt. By every definition of the word. You backstabb and lie.  You hurt beyond words without any feeling of remorse or understanding of what you have done. You pit people against each other that have no reason to be angry with one another. You lie, cheat and steal things that aren't yours.  You're a loudmouth who likes to rub salt in a very open wound.  You don't can about anyone else then yourself.  And you're a wolf in snakes clothing.

• 1) You're YOU. Period. All the above mentioned things helped shape who you are. You have been taught well and therefore, just being you makes me hate you.  When you grow up and realize that those in your corner just aren't and you should have treaded more carefully, you will then have no one and that is what YOU deserve.

Top Ten Things That Annoy People

After some extensive research, I have found the Top Ten Things that Annoy Most People.  I can say that I agree with most of them.  Take a look for yourself and see if your top peeve is on the list!!

• Drivers who don't use a turn signal.
• People who read out loud what they're typing in an email or letter.
• Kids who tease dogs through a fence.
• People who drink directly out of the milk/orange juice containter.
• Couples who sit on the same side of the booth when there is no one on the other side.
• Parents who bring their young kids to R rated films.
• People that don't use coasters.
• People who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure.
• People who sit next to you on public transportation even when there are other seats available.
• Noisy eaters.

 Also, click here for the The Largest Complied List of Annoyances from GetAnnoyed.com!!!

From "Shit My Dad Says"

I follow this guy on twitter and he fuckin' cracks me up! While running down his page today, I found this tweet very informational and appropriate for my situation!!

"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."

Sweet.

200 Lies a Day

It's no secret that we all lie. Daily. Most of the time, we don't even know we're doing it. A little white lie here, an embellishment there... who is it going to hurt, right? Well, to someone who has been lied to her whole life, her very existence one big fat lie; even the smallest lie can turn into something that is astronomical. It's like a snowball effect. One person tells a lie to another. Why? Well, lets say they have a personal grudge or jealousy toward them. Trying to get another to see it their way, a little lie won't hurt right? Wrong. This lie then gets tossed around, whispered down the lane and years later, ends up being something that is so blown out of proportion the person the lie is about (say ME, for example) never had a prayer to defend, stand up or set things right, let alone confront the jealous party and ask "why?" Any attempts from that point forward to mend fences, show the person that forgiveness is within reach is held in vain. Even the kindest written letter can be turned from that to a manipulative tactic because that is how it is desired to be seen. So you can't even reach out and try to create bridges when there is already fire underneath and motions in place to destroy it before it started. Children then become involved; used as weapons and puppets to hurt and scorn. THIS is where I draw the line. And others I have come to know as well, in my same situation, have drawn it too. Do what you want to me; say what you want. Hurt me, kick me, lie about me, spread your rumors and make up your dreams of what you think I am but never EVER use MY CHILD as a reason to hurt me. Or use your OWN for that matter. Anyone that will use their own child as a weapon is far too gone for help. Professional grade help is needed and those children will grow up just as hurt and confused about their parents more than anyone else. Children deserve the TRUTH. Not some fabricated, jealous lie that has someone so engulfed in themselves that they can't see what could happen down the road. You say terrible things about a child to their mother, you hold a young child accountable for problems that only the adults have created and expect others to not think you are absolutely out of your mind?

Be aware you are being lied to; at work, at home, at school. By your friends, your family, your co-workers or a total stranger. If you are told 200 Lies a day, what about life is honest?

FAKE

This place has begun to cover me
I recall the light, but the dark smothers me
I prefer the feelings I know right now
I don't worry about feeling very proud

You don't know how it feels
To be misunderstood
To reach for the sky
I thought you never would
You don't know how it feels
To be misunderstood
To reach for the sky
I thought you never would

But I'm bleeding, and my hands are bruised
From the grip that I once had on you
And I'm open for a new way
Because there's not much more that I can fake

It's almost seeing your soul for the first time
And watching the mirror show you life in rewind
Capture the ridicule of everyone
I'm tired of trying, and they wonder why I'm gone

You don't know how it feels
To be misunderstood
To reach for the sky
I thought you never would
You don't know how it feels
To be misunderstood
To reach for the sky
I thought you never would

But I'm bleeding, and my hands are bruised
From the grip that I once had on you
And I'm open for a new way
Because there's not much more that I can fake

I can't fake it

You don't know how it feels
To be misunderstood
To reach for the sky
I thought you never would
You don't know how it feels
To be misunderstood
To reach for the sky
I thought you never would

But I'm bleeding, and my hands are bruised
From the grip that I once had on you
And I'm open for a new way
Because there's not much more that I can fake
But I'm bleeding, and my hands are bruised
From the grip that I once had on you
And I'm open for a new way
Because there's not much more that I can fake

Webs Spun Begun

Don't you hate people who can turn the nicest, most innocent gesture into something it really isn't? It's call "Spinning" and I know a few people who can spin a web so terrible it'll captivate and catch some of the smartest people I know. In fact, it's caught some of my loved ones and torn them away from me as a result of the web of lies. It's disgusting to me how a simple photograph can turn into a complete argument. And we're talking a photograph not unlike two puppies sleeping together in a basket. No harm done right? WRONG! With these "twisted sisters", you can rest assured anything you do in good faith and out of love will be turned into a dramatic, unbelievable piece of manipulative tactic that is dreamt up and then drilled into the web for everyone to feed on.

It's a sad thing when someone can't think for themselves. Or that they are so fearful of their own feelings and actions they let others control them. What ever happened to standing up for what is really right? Allowing someone to be treated like a piece of shit for so long, standing by and doing nothing yet when it is time for someone to take a stance, you go with the group and have no opinion or voice of your own. You're a puppet of the web spinners. The words coming out of your mouth are not even your own! It's robotic and practiced as if they stood in front of mirrors rehearsing like they were lines on a script. Well, life is unpredictable and not everybody is evil, terrible, hurtful and vain. I happen to be, despite my rantings on here, a kind, caring, loving person who always wanted to be accepted into her family. But my family had other plans for me and, behind my back, conspired to ruin me, my confidence and made sure that when they were finished, I would have next to no one.

For what reason? This I am still trying to figure out. I've thrown birthday parties, baby showers, put vacations on hold so that everyone could be included yet I was always left out. So I ask you; someone who is innocent should not have to be subject to such cruelty, right? Then why do the innocent suffer in webs spun of lies and brainwashing?

Searching for Coupons

You're waiting in line. You've been in line for, what feels like, a half an hour. You FINALLY get to be second in line and the anal retentive person in front of you is the only thing standing between you, the register and getting the hell out of the store. The cashier tells "her" the total amount due... then, she pulls out her gigantic, over-filled, under-organized bag and starts to rummage through it. "I have a coupon for that in here somewhere.... I just need to find it".... the second I hear that, my blood pressure rises. I know that it is going to take her every moment of every second I need to get the hell outta there to find this blasted coupon, that is worth, what? .50 cents off the product? I get it, and love it, when someone is organized with their coupons when they can walk into a store, have them all ready and push their bill from $100 to $25 in .03 seconds! But when you have someone who is unorganized and just plain irritating, rummaging through their gigantic bag of a purse, looking for a coupon they most likely left at HOME, it makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. This action is completely disrespectful of those that stand in line behind you. They've been waiting just as long and deserve every opportunity to get the fuck out of the store as much as anyone else! So excuse me if I start tapping my toes, sighing obnoxiously loudly enough for the woman at the register to hear or coughing to let her know there ARE other people around who need to get moving.

And where the hell are the other cashiers when this happens? When a line starts going from the front of the store and wraps around three times, all due to someone who is hell bent of finding a piece of paper with numbers on it, why doesn't the manager/supervisor on duty call someone up to help relieve the pressure? When I can clearly see stupid little teenage workers just standing around, doing nothing! Punch in your code in the stupid register and get to work damnit!

And still... she's looking through her bag for her fucking coupons....

Happy New Year My Ass

Why is it that when you try to get away from Drama, it follows you? Well, my friends, it is just as simple as the people you know. Surround yourself with Drama Queens and drama will follow.

It's no secret now that my husband and I have decided to separate. It's a separation, not a divorce. I see the possibility of a reconciliation in the future if we use this time wisely, but what ticks me off is that his absentee mother, who hasn't been apart of his life since he was 7 years old (emotionally) all of a sudden has an opinion and had to put my name into her mouth. First off, take my name and spit it out. I am of no concern to you. Nor do you have any right to swoop in now and use this time as your way back "in". I have cautioned my husband to her manipulative ways, how she has told him terrible things in the past and does nothing but degrade him. He, for one, of all these years, NEVER wanted anything to do with her. Take me out of the picture and BAM! She's back! Seems like I was the only one holding him together emotionally because now, his Mommy dearest is trying to "rescue him" from the big bad Rachel that left. Filling his head with doubts about my character, saying things like "she gets up and leaves you when things get rough... what do you think she'll do if you get back together and things get tough again?". Um- EXCUSE ME Bitch, but who the hell told you I just up and left without careful consideration or MAJOR thoughts about it? One does not simply stand up one day, in a happy marriage, and leaves for the hell of it. Ok, maybe some bitches do but not this one. I gave YEARS of my life trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, how I could change things to make things work... it took a year to figure out I wanted to leave and then ANOTHER to muster up enough guts to actually DO IT. So please don't go telling people, who ever will listen to your manic ass, that I just got up and left your baby boy because we got into a fight and I ran. No honey, things are a little more different and if you had been a better part of his life; more loving and caring than the money hungry whore you are, maybe he would have had a fighting chance IN a relationship.

She connects love with money. So when my husbands father died at age 10, she made SURE she married "up" and "wealthy" no matter the cost. The cost was? Well, anything my husband did was never good enough to catch her support or attention. He could be an alter boy, an eagle scout and perfect student and she never saw in him the gem that he is. But her new husbands kids could steal, cheat, lie, wreck the house, have parties, steal family jewels and THEY were showered with love and affection, even to this DAY!

I am not the only one who knows this about her. All of my husbands friends have received ill treatment from her because either they're "different" (please, define that for me), black or "crazy"... no I think she needs to take a good look at herself and figure out who the crazy one is. Grant it, my husband did know a few nut jobs out there, but who doesn't run into them once or twice in a lifetime? I know I have had my share! Still, after talking with some mutual friends about my new dilemma, they all are pretty conclusive and said "yeah, this was bound to happen. Now she can come in and be the lady in his life".... according to my husband, he wants me to be that lady... yet now she is using every manipulative tactic under her power to reel him into her and away from me. Which is fine. If he is not strong enough to be an adult and say "thanks mom for your concern, but Rachel and I are going to figure this out on our own" then he's not the one for me anyway and off I go.

I thought this New 2011 would bring me some sort of peace after the hell I'd just gone through with liars and other manipulators but it seems I still have quite a way ahead of me to rid myself of all these dysfunctional people in my life. I have to. My son is too precious not to do it.

A perfectly good tanning session ruined by....

VALLEY GIRLS!

Who on this green earth actually can STAND to listen to a valley girl talk? I just don't understand why they don't get punched in the face every time they open their mouths. Who really likes to talk that way? "Like, she said, and then I said, and he was like 'woah, oh my God, that's crazy! Totally!"

I was going in for my regular tanning session, since the winter is here and you can't hit the beaches too much in colder weather as much as I'd like (I like it to be 90 degree's for the beach). I have the great package, the extra awesome bed, with green leaves and bamboo in the room. Awesome. Relaxing and best 15 minuets you'll ever spend. That is... until Valley girl "Sue" comes into the place and starts talking to one of the girls at the counter about her, soon to be, New Years Eve night out and how she's "totally" going to "beat this bitch up" if she even so much as tries to talk to her. The entire time I was trying to relax, do a little breathing and enjoy my 15 minuets of self pampering, this bitch was talking non-stop about 'like this girl and like that girl and how like, she was like, totally gonna get beat down if she shows up at the bar'. I could have murdered someone. Imagine, being powerless, stuck in a tanning bed, having to listen to this stupid, airhead of a bitch go on and on about the most immature things and you just want to yell out "SHUT THE FUCK UP! This is MY TIME Bizotch!".

So I get out of my bed, get ready to go and she's STILL gabbing away about this girl she absolutely hates... I'm thinking "shit, I bet the feeling is mutual.. I hate you already!" As I walk up towards to counter to exit, I simply looked at the girl and said "It would be more courteous of you if you kept your voice down while others were trying to tan. That was the most annoying 15 minuets of my life. Thanks for ruining it."

She just looked at me. You know, like a deer looks into headlights. The woman she'd been talking to got all flushed in the face and tried not to laugh (because the entire time, she's been quietly trying to get her to STFU). I went to walk out, but then stopped. I turned. "Which bar are you going to tonight?"

She told me.

"Thanks," I said "I will make sure NOT to go there. Peace out".

Sssssshhhhhhaaaaaaahhhh!